Married to the Band (Part II)

Last week, we talked about how band relationships are in some ways similar to romantic relationships. We covered the honeymoon phase of a new band or band member, as well as some of the work you should do on yourself if you want to keep your band healthy. This week, I'd like to discuss a few of the behaviors, personality types, and problems that can damage or end your band relationships.

JERKS

This is a personality type that you've probably encountered more than once if you've met a decent number of musicians. They believe that they're more talented than everyone else. They feel the need to broadcast their high opinion of themselves to anyone they meet. They don't care about other human beings. Jerks stay on stage past their time-slot, talk badly about other musicians, and hit on every woman in the room, whether or not said woman came with someone else, and they do it while the rest of the band is loading in the gear.

No one wants to work with a Jerk

In my experience, Jerks typically ARE very talented, but it's almost like their empathy switch got stuck in the "off" position. Early on in your "relationship," it can be tempting to overlook their behavior because their talent sort of makes up for it. The other benefit is that it sometimes takes a Jerk to motivate lazy people to get off their asses. The only problem is (and it's a big one), no one wants to work with these people for any significant period of time. Anyone I've known who runs their musical career with this kind of attitude is now bandless or has dropped their pursuit of music altogether.

If you're in a situation where you're getting paid for your music, it's a bit easier to overlook Jerkish behavior. But if you're slogging through the lowest levels of the music industrial complex where getting paid gas money is a rare blessing, it's hard to put up with it, and much easier to just walk away and find someone else who knows how to treat other members of the human race.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVES

Finding a balance of being healthily assertive without being aggressive or confrontational is difficult for some people. Some people end up being too aggressive (see the section on "Jerks"), while others under-compensate and turn into spineless weasels who can't stand up for themselves or their needs at all. They're afraid or uncomfortable with how they imagine you'll react to a certain situation, so they disguise their actions and true feelings.

This kind of musician is a little harder to spot than a Jerk, because their behavior typically takes longer to manifest. It's also harder to argue with someone who's smiling at you, and Passive-Aggressives LOVE to smile. They will smile when they first meet you, they will smile when you're asking them why they're a half-hour late for practice every week, and they will add a smiley emoticon when they send out a text saying that they started playing with another band and won't be coming out to the show tonight.

If you have someone like this in your band, I suggest doing some networking and keeping a contact log of musicians who are able to step in at a moment's notice if and when your passive-aggressive bandmate fails to show for a serious gig.

ADDICTS

Older musicians will probably know all about this kind of person. Some of you younger folk, however, will want to pay special attention to this section. An addict is someone who struggles with balance. They have a "passion," let's say it's drinking, drugs, sex, or self-sabotage, and they pursue that passion at the expense of their other responsibilities, like family, education, jobs, or music. You'll know you have an addict in your midst when you realize that they're always apologizing. They're sorry they're late, they're sorry they forgot to learn the new songs, they're sorry they missed the band meeting, they're sorry they ruined the last set.

For whatever reason, addicts are drawn to the arts, so if you haven't run into one yet, you will. They love to express themselves, and because addiction is typically surrounded by drama, they have stories to tell. I'll grant you, many of these stories are going to be hilarious, or fascinating. However, addicts are only funny or interesting in small doses. When they black out in between sets, or when they get a DUI on the way home from the show, and now need you to drive them to practice, it's much harder to find their story about running from the cops as funny as you used to.

It's easy to feel sorry for addicts. There's several of them in my personal life, and I can easily see where that behavior could manifest in myself if I didn't have some people in my life who call me on my BS. I believe we're all one or two steps away from being in their position, so I certainly can't judge them for their behavior. Plus, they've developed great apologizing skills, so it's often hard to say no to them. The problem is, if you always forgive an addict his failings, they will simply use that as an excuse to keep failing, and it can end up costing you or others. The only way to handle them is to cut them out of your life until they're sober, or cut them out permanently. It seems harsh, but if you give them multiple chances, you will find that you just keep giving them more chances.

DEPRESSIVES

Addicts & Depressives are drawn to the arts

This is another personality type that is naturally drawn to the arts. Jon Bon Jovi, Rivers Cuomo, and Ray Charles are just some of the names you'll find on this list of famous persons who identify with this disorder. We depressives have got drama and sadness and other fun stuff churning around in our brains, and it's often therapeutic to get that stuff out of our heads and onto paper or into music. (You'll notice I said "we" in this case. That's because I also fall into this category.) Realistically, we could lump other behavioral or mental health disorders in here as well, as depression is sort of a side effect of many other mood disorders like bipolar disorder, or even addiction.

You might think that the symptoms for depression would be easy to read, that the person will just be mopey or miserable all the time, unable to work up the energy to practice or just be sort of "blah." While it can go that way sometimes, it could also be that they are irritable (they keep snapping at me during practice!), that they can't think straight (they just can't get that song right no matter how many times they go over it!), or they just don't care about the fact that they're putting in zero effort towards music or promotion, etc.

This could be a whole article on its own, but I think the best way to sum it up is this: if you think someone in your world is experiencing depression, whether as the result of a specific event, like a death in the family, or just because they're "down" all the time, the best thing you can do is treat it like a medical condition, because that's exactly what it is. If someone came to you and said, "I think I feel a lump under my armpit," you would tell them to go to a doctor. If someone says, "I just don't feel like playing anymore," or they break out into crying fits, or they're irritable about anything and everything, then you need to tell them to get help. Take it seriously.

OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

Many musicians have unrealistic ideas about how many things they can fit in their life. Your drummer has 3 kids under the age of 7, works 60 hours a week at a blue-collar job, and is also in a steady-gigging cover band? You really think he can give your band the time and attention it needs to be taken seriously? Sometimes, you have to do the thinking for someone. If they swear they can handle their insane schedule, but you have a bad feeling that it's going to be an issue, chances are... it's going to be an issue. Deal with it before it's a problem, not after.

Romantic relationships can also get tricky when it comes to music. It seems like girlfriends in particular are very good at convincing musicians to just skip practice and go out to dinner instead. My SO's have always understood (and appreciated) that the band must be taken seriously. If I'm not puking my guts out, I'm going to practice. I don't care if there's a football game on, I don't care if there's a show I really want to watch, I don't care who's in town this weekend. The band comes first.

SEX

If you have sex with someone in or near the band, you are risking the band itself.

I have one piece of advice for you when it comes to sex and music... don't. Don't sleep with your bandmates. Don't sleep with people your bandmates have slept with. Don't sleep with your bandmates' family members. All of these situations are perfect incubators for feelings of jealousy, anger, betrayal, etc., and none of these things contribute to a healthy band.

Human brains are adept at rationalizing the "need" for sex, so when presented with the opportunity to hop into bed with someone who you wouldn't dare go near in a healthy state of mind, you can very easily find a way to make it happen, especially if you're in a dry spell. No good can come from it. You need to realize that if you sex with someone who is connected to the band, you are risking the band itself. Is that worth it to you?

HOW TO SPLIT UP

When it comes time to separate from a band, or to help someone else leave the band, the same rule applies from your professional life: DO NOT BURN YOUR BRIDGES. It's very tempting to want to tell someone that you've always hated them and that you never want to see their stupid face again. The problem is, you never know when that person will pop back into your life - even if you aren't aware of it.

As an example, I had a guitarist in a band who was late for practice. I texted him to see where he was. He responded that he wasn't going to be playing with us anymore. (He was a Passive-Aggressive.) Strangely, our singer quit a week later. I found out later that the guitar player had convinced the singer to start a new band. That band quickly failed, and this guy ended up joining a friend's band, which meant I ran into him at several shows.

Had I lost my temper with him and gave him my honest opinion about his behavior, those run-ins would have become very awkward. What would I have solved by getting angry with him? Isn't it better to just move forward and find someone to replace him? I pretty much laugh about the situation now that a couple years have passed, so did it really matter in the grander scheme of things? The momentary relief you get from unleashing your anger at someone usually isn't worth the amount of smack-talk he will spread around the very small music community about you and your band.

Letting someone go sucks no matter what.

If you have to let someone go, you need to realize that it's going to suck no matter what. Take a lesson from the film "Moneyball" and just be transparent with the person. Don't dance around the topic because you're uncomfortable. Tell them clearly, honestly, and quickly that you won't be working together anymore, and here are the reasons why. They will freak out, or they will accept it, they will throw a bass, or they will cry in the bathroom - you can't change their reaction, and you aren't responsible for it. It's your job to just deliver the news like a professional, and leave it up to them to decide how they want to deal with it.

Don't apologize when letting someone go. That makes it seem like you're doing something wrong. Don't give them "one more chance." Let your yes be yes and your no be no. If they're fired, that means that you have thought about this long and hard, that you've lost sleep over it, and you have come to this decision with the rest of the band, and it is unanimous, or as close to unanimous as it can be. If you tell someone they're canned, and then you let them back in the band, the same problems that led to the firing will pop back up, and you will just have to go through the unpleasant situation all over again. Being a professional means that you are a clear communicator and that you mean business. So tell them how it is, and let it be.

SUMMARY

Some of the best relationship advice I have ever received was from people who have been divorced. Giving someone advice on what to do in a relationship can only help a person so much, but telling them what NOT to do could save their relationships. I hope I've given you some words of wisdom from someone who's been through a fair number of musical "breakups."

Married to the Band (Part I)

One of the most challenging aspects of being a musician is dealing with other musicians. Musicians are people, and as such, they have temperaments, they have issues, they have personal and professional lives outside of your band. Musicians are also artists, which means they can be moody, jealous, sensitive, and they can sleep with your girlfriend.

Being in a band is a different dynamic than working with someone at a 9-to-5 job. In working with my own bands, and in talking with other musicians about their experiences, I have noticed one concept come up over and over: being in a band is like being in a marriage.

That's a decent metaphor, but it's not perfect. If you have more than 2 people in your band, it's really more like a polygamous marriage, and is therefore that much harder on everyone involved. Also, it's a lot easier to break up a band than a marriage, so it's really more like an open polyamorous relationship. But, for the purposes of this article, we'll stick with "marriage."

This is a big topic, so I'm going to break it up into two parts. Part I has to do with the beginning of the relationship (the honeymoon phase), and how to be prepared for when the honeymoon has ended. Part II will deal with ending the relationship.

HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD

Someone has to be head of the household. I know it sounds kind of corny, and many of you will think that a band should be a democracy. Go ahead and try it if you like, but I'm telling you from experience, it doesn't work. Writing, rehearsals, shows, accounting, and all the behind-the-scenes work that needs to happen has to be spearheaded by someone, otherwise, like a group homework assignment, nothing gets done, or it all gets done by one person, which leads to burn out.

Being the head of the "household" does not mean you do everything. It means you make sure everything is done. Don't get me wrong, many issues can be decided democratically, and the leader should step back when that's the case, but when there's a tie, someone needs to be able to break it.

This person will usually make themselves known as the leader without the need for an election, but in cases where you have multiple type-A personalities, the band may need to agree on who this should be in advance. Being the leader of a band is a wholly separate topic, so for the moment, let's just assume that someone in the band has already accepted this role.

WHO DO YOU WANT TO MARRY?

When you're putting a band together, or when you're auditioning a new band member, you want to constantly remind yourself that you are going to spend an uncomfortable amount of time with this person in potentially uncomfortable situations. During auditions, we tend to focus on the person's performance: can they play, can they sing, do they have presence? That stuff is important, certainly, but there's other softer skills to consider.

You may end up spending long hours in an un-air-conditioned rehearsal space or vehicle together. You could end up arguing over credits or royalties with this person. You could be sharing a skanky motel room with them, and going on tour with them for months at a time. How does he react when stressed? How do they deal with conflict? There's lots of talented musicians in the world who I would love to share a stage with, but that doesn't mean I want to share a room with them at a Super 8.

Ask them about their personal life. Does he talk about how everyone around him is a dick, or how every other band he's been in has screwed him over? Those are giant red flags. I don't care how well he plays, this person is trouble. Does she get real sketchy or quiet when you ask about her other musical experiences? "I don't know, I just didn't like playing with those guys anymore." That's a yellow flag. Probe deeper.

I had a bass player show up to one audition, and he could play pretty well. But, after we played a couple songs, the band got to talking, and this guy sat in a corner and kept noodling on his bass. He never joined the conversation. In fact, he actually played right over our conversation. We stepped outside. He stayed inside. He didn't call back after the audition, and I'm glad.

I would love to share a stage with many musicians. But, that doesn't mean I want to share a Super 8 motel room with them.

I've worked with many people who were very talented, but they couldn't show up on time, if they showed up at all. I've worked with others who could play well on their own, but couldn't find a fit with the band. It's got to work on most if not all levels. Musicianship alone is not enough. Ask them questions. Have they ever had to bail on a practice or a show? How did they handle it? What else do they have going on in their lives? How often do they practice? What other skills can they bring to the band?

THE HONEYMOON PHASE

In the early stages of a band relationship, there's a honeymoon phase just like when you meet a potential mate. The person may wow you with their impressive chops. They may be all sunshine and smiles, they can't wait to work with you, they love your sound. You think, "oh wow, he's such a great guy!" even though you don't really know him at all. That's brain chemicals screwing with your thoughts my friend.

Your brain likes new experiences, so it may cause you to gloss over the fact that this person casually mentioned that they really aren't into any of the same musical influences as you, but they "really want to play," or that they haven't picked up their drumsticks in 3 months, or that they "occasionally" smoke "a little" weed even though they're wearing a 10-year-old ratty Phish t-shirt, they stink like Pepe Le Peu, and their eyes are beet red. That may work for you, that may not, but either way just try your best to slow down and keep your eyes open.

I would recommend never making a decision about bringing someone in the band upon first meeting. Have at least two rehearsals with them before you make any calls about whether they fit. Talk to the other band members at length about their perceptions of this person's talents and their attitude. Do this AWAY from the potential band member. You can't be objective about someone's flaws with the person sitting in the room staring at you. Ask your bandmates for any red flags that they may have noticed. Maybe this potential mate will work for you, but they rubbed the guitarist the wrong way. Everyone has to be able to sync with this person.

After the honeymoon has ended, there's some serious work to be done. You need to develop practical skills to help you negotiate conflicts, communicate clearly, and maintain forward momentum. You do that through awareness, which means getting to know your mates, and getting to know yourself.

KNOW THYSELVES

I highly recommend taking a personality assessment like MBTI. Get to know yourself really, REALLY well. Watch videos on personal growth and self-awareness. Read How to Win Friends & Influence People. Learn what kind of things piss you off, and what kind of things you need to get from a relationship or experience.

See if your band members will complete one of those personality assessments. There's lots of articles and videos on how two different personality types best work together. I work as a manager in my day job, and my company requires these things. It's very useful to know the differences in people's personalities, what gives them energy, what drains it, whether they're introverted or extroverted, etc. There were a lot of insights for me in completing that assessment and reading those that my team completed.

See what your bandmates are like when they put down their instruments.

A few years ago, I took my band to a team-building session with therapists who used horses as part of their trainings. It was a weird thing to ask of my bandmates, but we learned some very interesting things about our band dynamic that helped us out down the road. The point is to get out of the rehearsal space and get to know your band as individuals, and how they work as a group. Go rock climbing together, go kayaking, go out to dinner with everyone's significant others. See what people are like when they put down their instruments.

You have to be intentional about this work. It takes time and energy. It's easy to be lazy and let it go, and just hope the band gels. But, in order for a band to really work, everyone needs to invest themselves. If someone isn't clicking, you need to determine if you can find a new working dynamic, or if it's time to part ways. We'll talk about that in the next post.

DON'T AIR OUT YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY IN PUBLIC

Disagreements in the band need to stay in the band. I've had a couple instances where my band got into arguments in public, with our girlfriends and wives standing around, or (and I can't believe I'm typing this), on stage. That should never EVER happen. It's unprofessional and childish. We had to have long talks afterward to work out the actual issues, but also to establish ground rules about when, where, and how arguments happen. There is a proper way to argue, believe it or not. Here's some things I've learned:

• Establish an appropriate time and space for arguments. That sounds a bit cheesy. It's okay to argue in a private rehearsal studio. It's not okay to argue before, during, or after a show. Arguing in a car is a good way to get into an accident. It's also unwise to argue while drinking or participating in any other mood-altering activities.
• Official band members only. Significant Others cannot be involved. If you're not in the band, you don't have input, and you don't have a vote. Period. They're almost always going to side with their mate, and will therefore skew the argument.
• Limit the disagreements to the actual issues. Don't let the arguments slip into personal attacks. That's a pretty hard skill to master. I know this about myself: I like to win. Quite often that means I will use an opportunity to play dirty if it presents itself. I have to try very hard to stop myself if I notice that I'm attacking the person, instead of moving toward a resolution. I also have to be sensitive to feedback from my bandmates if they notice that behavior in me. It's up to the leader to keep everyone calm, and to keep the conversation on point.
• The past stays in the past. We're not talking about an issue from 3 years ago. We're talking about today's issue. The past is over. It can't be dealt with beyond an apology. Focus on the present, and how the problem will be handled in the future.
• Never talk over someone else. Listen first. Do your best to understand the other person. Paraphrase back to them what you heard to make sure you understand it correctly, and to let them know you heard them. Everyone's opinions are valid, and must be treated that way. Preventing someone from being heard will make them feel unwelcome and isolated, and they will eventually unleash a rage volcano at the worst time, like just before a show.
• Solutions are important. The band leader needs to give everyone a chance to be heard, but, at some point, the discussion has to end, and a resolution has to be reached. It's ideal if everyone can buy into the decision - a good leader can find ways to compromise so that everyone's needs are met, but whether or not that's possible, at some point, a decision MUST be reached, and everyone must move forward.
• When in doubt, air it out. Don't let a problem fester. Very small disagreements will grow to become big disagreements if the person constantly replays the problem over and over in their mind without getting resolution. Misunderstandings can often be cleared up very easily as long as it is done quickly. Be clear, be kind, and be sure to represent your needs and wants, while also factoring in the needs of the band.

MARRIAGE IS APOLOGIES AND FORGIVENESS

One of the most important skills, if not the MOST important skill in marriage and band-ing, is apologizing, and the flip side of it: forgiving when someone else apologizes. This is hard for many people, and impossible for others. For some reason, we are wired to believe that we are right about everything, all the time. As part of your journey toward self-awareness, you need to realize that you are a dumbass sometimes. You will be the reason that a song or a performance bombed. You will accidentally erase the band's website. You will get so drunk you fall off of your drum throne in the middle of a chorus. But don't worry, you're not alone. Everyone gets their turn to do something stupid, perhaps colossally stupid, at some point.

When you screw up, admit it quickly and take your hits.

When this happens, address it as quickly as possible, and take your hits. Hits hurt worse when there is time to anticipate them. Don't give them any time to breathe... just get the confession over with, so you don't lose sleep or hair. Try to help everyone reach a point of genuine understanding about the situation. (Have I used that word enough? It's critical to a good relationship.) Admit the problem to everyone who needs to know, come up with a way to make it right, and apologize. If you're honest and sincere, you're more likely to be able to fix it, and your mates will be more likely to respect you for your transparency.

When someone else screws up, remind yourself that it's just that person's turn. You've had your turn, and if you haven't yet, you most certainly will sometime in the future. How do you want to be dealt with when your turn comes?

ONGOING RELATIONSHIPS

Look for Part II next week, when I will stretch this metaphor even further by talking about abusive relationships, divorce, and remarriage.

LET'S CHAT

If you would like to contribute to this conversation, shoot me an email. I would also appreciate it if you could share with others.