Don't Waste (Other People's) Time

THE RULE

This rule is deceptively simple, but not always easy to understand or practice: never waste a person's time. That is a lesson many of us, myself included, have to learn more than once. It applies to your career in music, but it also fits into every other aspect of your life.

Time is money. If you are wasting someone's time, you are stealing their money.

You will learn the importance of this rule when people yell at you, hang up on you, ignore your emails, walk away from you mid-conversation, or refuse to give you something you need. Burn this rule into your brain. Practice it. Recognize when you are breaking it. Live by it, and watch your life improve. The old saying is true: "time is money." So, if you are wasting someone's time, you are stealing their money, and no one likes being robbed.

THE PROBLEM

The trouble is that most of us, especially as kids, have family members, friends, or kind strangers who allow us to waste their time because we have a preexisting relationship with them, or because they're polite. As a result, we grow up being conditioned to think that everyone is cool with us yammering on about nothing, believing that our uninformed, irrelevant opinions matter.

Once you go out into the real world, however, you begin to realize the value of time and straightforwardness, and you start to notice that people who don't know you may get pretty pissed off if you take their time without good reason. For example, say you're asking a bar manager for a gig. You hand him a demo CD and talk about what style of music you play, and who your influences are. You're wasting his time.

The manager wants to know about audience. He wants to know how many people you can bring to a show. 9 times out of 10, he doesn't care what kind of music you play, unless he thinks it will impact what type of "crowd" it will bring to his venue. For example, a bar that caters to middle-aged yuppies may not want to feature a teenage punk band. You should have done that research before you approached a specific venue.

If you can't help a bar sell drinks, they don't need to give you a show

The only reason a showrunner cares if you're "good" or not is because he wants the audience to stay firmly planted on their barstools as it were. He wants to sell drinks and food. If you can't help him sell drinks, he doesn't need to give you a show.

THE WAY THINGS WORK

Every human in the world at some point needs the help (which could be a product or service) of other humans. This includes you and me and everyone you know. The world is built on this principle: "I will help you, if you can repay me (in most cases) with money, service, an object, or gratitude."

With that in mind, BEFORE you ask someone for a product or service, ask yourself "what's in it for them?" Work that into your pitch. Why do they need you? Some people are fine with one form of payment, say money, but are not okay with others, say favors or gratitude. Figure out what drives them, and approach the discussion with that in mind.

For musicians, this help could mean that you're sending your album to a radio station to see if they'll play a song, or sending it to a blogger to see if they'll write a review. You might be emailing a studio to ask if you can intern, or record a track. You could be inviting someone to your show.

It doesn't matter what you're asking for. If you waste someone's time while asking for this help, you could jeopardize the potential opportunity you had with them, and what's worse, you could damage your relationship with them.

Realize that if you're asking someone for a product or service, you are likely not the only one. Most people are busy, and have to sort through many emails, voicemails, tasks, or customers/clients. Don't get in their way, or become a burden. The problem is, many people THINK they're making valuable use of someone else's time when they really are not.

A GOOD/BAD EXAMPLE

Here is a very real example of what I mean... For a short period of my life, I owned a photography studio. During that time, I received several requests from kids who wanted to intern or work in the studio. The email at the bottom of this post is from just such a kid, a college student whose name I have removed. Please read it, and see if you can figure out where he went wrong.

Keep in mind, I'm not trying to hurt his feelings. I'm only trying to provide a practical example of how NOT to communicate with someone that you need help from. Come back here once you've finished.

Okay, all finished?

This kid clearly wants something from me: to "help out around the shop." That's fine, and I'm willing to hear his pitch. However, his email could easily have been cut down to 2 sentences, 3 at the most:

"Hi, my name is so and so, and I am looking for a photography internship. I am willing to work hard, and I have some ideas about food/commercial photography that I'd love to share with you." Phone number. Link to portfolio. Signature. DONE.

However, in this kid's message, he talks about his feelings regarding retail in my town. I don't care what he thinks... about anything really. That may sound harsh, but when was the last time any adult went to a kid and said "tell me your thoughts about the world"? More than that, these comments don't relate to his request, so they need to go.

If you're asking for something, never complain. No one likes complainers

He then complains (yes I said COMPLAINS) that other companies aren't answering his emails. That's not my problem. He complains about people labeling him. This has no place in a professional message. If you're asking someone for something, NEVER complain. No one likes complainers. If you're complaining before I've even met you, it's only going to get worse if you're working for me. It makes you sound lazy. It sounds like you think the world owes you something. Learn this lesson quickly, kid: the world owes you nothing.

The kid talks about not having a background in photography. Well, clearly. If you did, you would be asking for a job, not an internship. This is useless information. He goes past that and basically implies that he's only tinkered with photography ("[I] try to shoot a great picture that makes my friends happy"), and hasn't done his homework. He's talking me out of giving him what he wants.

He also failed to proofread (or have someone else proofread) his email. That is never okay. If I'm tripping over your sentences, I am very likely to trash your message halfway through. 1 or 2 mistakes are forgivable, a message riddled with errors is not. Everyone knows someone who is good at proofreading. For important emails, make use of their help. He also needs to break up his paragraphs. No one likes huge blocks of texts in their emails.

Hopefully, this kid will learn from the lack of response he got from other studios, and me. Hopefully he realized that when asking for something, he should stick to the point as much as possible, and never EVER complain. Hopefully he will proofread his future communications.

I'M AN ARTIST

Even if you are a professional artist, you still have to be professional.

Another issue that musicians and other creative types run into is that they want to make it clear that they are artists when they communicate. They write flowery prose, or make attempts at humor, or try to be clever. Cut that out. Get to the point, stick to the point, get the hell out of there. Even if you're a professional artist, you still have to be professional.

If someone wants to help you, or has a reason to help you, they only need the pitch. They do not need to hear your jokes, or your poetry. Read through your message at least 3 times. If you can ask what you're asking for without a given word or sentence, GET RID OF IT.

Keep your communication simple. "Hi, I'm Jim with the band 'The Forgetful Yellephants' and we're interested in working with your venue. I've attached a one-sheet with our bio and some highlights of our recent performances, and a link to our music is below. We look forward to packing your bar sometime!"

That's all the info a bar needs. If they want more, they'll ask for it. If not, move on to the next venue.

RESPECT OTHERS & EARN RESPECT

People, especially business people (including bar owners, DJs, bloggers, reviewers), respect "straight-shooters." That is, people who say what they mean, and mean what they say. There is a reason no one likes aggressive salesmen. No one likes being lied to, or being manipulated, or people pretending to care when it's obvious that they do not.

I'm sure we all have gotten those messages on ReverbNation that say something like "love your sound, check out my band!" Don't be that guy. Be genuine, be clear, be considerate, and be quick about it. Your life and your music career will improve if you can work that way.

FURTHER READING

I highly recommend the book "How to Win Friends & Influence People." It's easy reading, and it's information you won't learn in school that will benefit you far beyond your music career. I wish I had read it earlier in my life... I just read it last year, and it reinforced many of the lessons I'd already learned through failure.

 

MESSAGE FROM A WOULD-BE INTERN

Note: I've kept this message entirely intact because spelling and formatting is part of the problem.

"My name is [redacted], I live around [your town] as of now I am in college at [a school] up in Philadelphia. I just came home for spring break last week and noticed you opened up your shop in town. I am very excited and happy to see a shop like this, open in [your town]. Usually its just hair salons and coffee houses that later go out of business around here; anyway I tried to stop by just the other day, but you guys were closed. So I am hoping, maybe you will receive this email instead. I was wondering if you guys were looking for an assistance/ any help around your shop. Anything, really. It dose not have to be an internship, I just want to learn from someone who is actually living in the field. Over the past few months I have been emailing and calling otherphoto companies (around [your county] and even in center city philly) asking for the same help. Although, they have mostly denied or ignored me. I don't understand why, to succeeded in any field you have to start from the bottom, and asking is the only way.

Although I do not want to give the impression of, this is just some silly teenage who thinks he's a photographer. I dislike it when people say that, it bugs me so much. I don't brag my work, I just learn from others and try to shoot a great picture that makes my friends happy. I have done two years of a food photography course, plus some classes in graphics at my votech school in [your town], I love this hobby so much and would enjoy to show others the excitement in it. That really, is my only background inphotography. I mean I have done some shoots over the years of my friends and events around [your county], I can attach a example photo in the message. I also noticed no one does food photography around here and if they do, it's just a little. Maybe that could bring some new ideas in your shop?

You can reach me with this email. I would love to make a portfolio for you guys. I will be free on weekends and soon for summer break. Any thing would do, really! Thanks Again."

How to Care for Your Voice

DISCLAIMER #1: This post is primarily aimed at vocalists, however, other members of the band NEED to understand some of this information in order to better work with their singers.

DISCLAIMER #2: When it comes to vocal technique, there's a lot of bad habits, voodoo, and downright false information floating around the music community, perpetuated by well-intentioned bandmembers or family members, people who claim to be vocal coaches (but have no real training), and anecdotal experience.

To try and stop that cycle of misinformation as best I can, I have included links to external resources for most of my points. Where applicable, the links are pulled from academic research, physicians, or reputable vocal coaches. A full list of sources is available at the bottom of the page.

FRAGILE VOICES

The human voice is the most fragile instrument in a typical rock/pop/country/rap/etc. band, yet it probably receives the most abuse. A vocalist uses their "instrument" (their voice) while rehearsing and performing, and then goes on to use it every waking hour of their life as well. That's a lot of pressure to put on something that needs to hit specific pitches and volumes perfectly.

Imagine carrying an acoustic guitar with you every moment you're awake. You strum it all day. You play it inside where it's nice and warm, you take it outside where it's freezing cold. You just keep strumming... hard, soft, and everything in between. You accidentally spill some coffee on it. At your nephew's birthday party, a little kid grabs the strings with both hands and yanks them with all his might.

After all that, you take this poor guitar to rehearsal and thrash on it for 2 hours, competing for volume with drums, electric guitars, and all the other instruments in your band. How good is it going to sound after all of that stress? After a week, a month, a year of the same treatment? Keep in mind that in this case, you can't change the strings. It's an imperfect metaphor, but it helps us to stop and think about how much stress our voices go through on a daily basis.

If you injure your voice, you could be headed for surgery, or retirement

Why do we need to take our vocal health seriously? Well, if our voices get injured, we are in SERIOUS trouble. If you snap a guitar string or punch through a drum head, you simply swap them out with new ones. If you injure your voice, you could be headed for a traumatic and expensive surgery, or permanent vocal retirement.

Yet, so many vocalists polish off a cigarette, down a shot of whiskey, run up on stage and belt 2 sets over a full band through bad monitors without any preparation or thought about the damage they might be doing. Many of you guys repeat this cycle several days a week.

Mind you, vocal injuries are not limited to amateurs. Many famous musicians, including Adam Duritz, Julie Andrews, John Mayer, and Adele have all had to cancel shows, or entire tours because of vocal injury. It's one thing to miss out on "original band night" at your local bar. It's quite another to miss out on a year's revenue because you didn't take care of your voice. [Reference]

THINGS THAT ARE GOOD FOR YOUR VOICE

REST & RECOVERY

If there is only one concept you take away from this post, please let it be VOCAL REST. That is the best cure for vocal strain, and the best prevention for future injury. Every time you sing too hard, or too long, or fall into bad technique, you need to allow a good amount of time to recover. [Reference]

"Vocal Rest" means "shut the hell up"

When I say rest, I mean SHUT THE HELL UP. Whispering does not help. Some experts believe it may even be worse than regular speech. You need to be completely silent for the most part, aside from your regular vocal exercises which will help you avoid falling out of shape. You'll have to figure out how much rest you need in order to recover, but DO figure it out, and make sure you stick to it. [Reference]

CHANGE BAD HABITS

You may have to change some pre- and post-show rituals with your bandmates, coworkers, and loved ones. In an interview with Howard Stern, Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows said that he spends most of his time on the road alone, because his voice can't handle the loud bars and parties that go along with touring. That's a lot of fun he's missing out on, but he also knows how important his voice is to the band, and the people who are paying for the tickets. Pro's have to make sacrifices. [Reference]

If you are a normally social person, you might consider some tools to help you commit to your rest. I've seen some tshirts and hats online that say, "I'm on vocal rest." A music student I knew in college carried around a little markerboard on rest days, and used that to communicate with people. Yes, it's awkward, but your health and ability to perform is important.

In addition to shutting up, you need to get your sleep. I'm sure you've heard about the recommended 8-9 hours per night. It varies from one person to another. Either way, get your full night's rest as often as possible, but especially before and after singing. Staying up late and waking up early will inhibit vocal recovery. [Reference]

WARM-UPS

I hate warm-ups. They're awkward, they're repetitive, they're gibberish, and they annoy people around you. That said, if I'm doing anything beyond singing in the shower on a given day, I'm going to the piano and forcing myself to do them.

Sure, you CAN sing without them, just like you CAN play the solo from "Free Bird" without picking up a guitar for a month, but chances are, it won't go as well as it could have had you prepared. It's amazing what a difference warm-ups make when it comes to stamina and range. Work them into your pre-show routine and don't make excuses. [Reference]

HYDRATION

Drink water regularly, and avoid having a dry throat. It helps in the prevention of mucous build-up, and delivers nutrients to your body to keep you and your voice healthy. I'm not going to get into specifics about measuring out the amount of water, because some of that research seems questionable, but as for me, I drink water ALL DAY LONG. When my glass is empty, I fill it. When it comes to performing, I always have water with me on stage. [Reference]

THINGS THAT DO NOT HELP VOCAL STRAIN

TEAS AND/OR HONEY

They may temporarily ease some of the pain, but they will not magically restore your vocal strength, or eliminate the strain you've placed on your throat. Think of tea as a band-aid, not a medicine. It seems like everyone, non-musicians especially, believe that tea and/or honey will work like Popeye's spinach to bring your voice back to full health. I wish that were true, but sadly, it ain't. [Reference]

Magic throat sprays don't work, and depending on what's in them, may even hurt

MAGIC THROAT SPRAYS

Those magic sprays they sell at music stores are utter horse-pucky. Don't waste your money. They're no more effective than water, and depending on the ingredients, they may even hurt you, especially if they have numbing agents in them. Numbing your voice is bad when it comes to singing. Imagine if you numbed your arm muscles and then tried to pick up a 500 pound weight. Sure, you might do a little better than if you had not numbed, but the post-lifting experience will be much more painful, not to mention dangerous. [Reference]

THINGS THAT ARE JUST BAD FOR YOUR VOICE

CHRONIC ABUSE

Chronic strain may mean that your technique is flawed. If you feel pain every time you sing, you should go to an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor to get evaluated, and a vocal coach to correct any bad habits you've picked up. DO NOT PROCRASTINATE, go now. If you wait, you'll increase the risk of injury, and you'll just keep reinforcing your bad techniques.

Pain is the body's way of telling you that something is wrong. If you're singing, and it hurts, you need to stop singing. If I start to develop pain at rehearsal, I will usually tell the band that we have to go through the rest of the songs without my vocals, or I will at least have to avoid the high notes.

Another option would be to only sing at the beginning of a verse/chorus/bridge to confirm where we're at in the song. (Singing aside, going over a song without vocals is a great way to make sure the band has a song nailed down.) [Reference]

SMOKING (yes, that includes weed)

This is probably obvious. Smoke can damage your vocal folds, it can reduce your lung capacity, and it dries out your throat. Every paper I've read on vocal health recommends cutting out smoking, and avoiding smoke-filled environments. [Reference]

CAFFEINE

Caffeine dries out your throat. Most of the resources and coaches I've encountered over the years recommend cutting it out of your life altogether. It's going to take commitment and sacrifice on your part, but are you a Pro, or aren't you? [Reference]

Alcohol and caffeine are not good for singers

ALCOHOL

I know you're not going to want to hear this, but alcohol is not good for singers. According to this article from the U.S.'s National Institutes of Health, alcohol "can cause the body to lose water and make the vocal folds and larynx dry. Alcohol also irritates the mucous membranes that line the throat." Alcohol can also influence your perception of how and what you're singing, meaning you're more likely to be off-pitch. [Reference 1] [Reference 2]

BAD MONITORS

If you can't hear yourself singing, you're in trouble. If you're competing for volume with drums, distorted guitars, or keyboards, you're going to strain and hurt your voice. Take the time to get the monitor mix right. If you don't know what you're doing, ask someone who knows their stuff to lend a hand. Many sound guys love the chance to fix mixes or to show others the basics.

It's also important to take breaks during rehearsals and shows to give your ears a chance to recover from the deafening noise of a band, and give your voice a chance to rest. During those breaks, shut the hell up. [Reference]

NERVES

Any reputable vocal coach will tell you that tension and stress are bad for your voice. The problem is, it's not exactly "relaxing" to stand up in front of a crowd and sing. This is to say nothing of any emotional issues that may have come from a fight with your bandmember before the show, or that angry drunk guy in the audience that is heckling the band.

I would suggest finding some sort of regular practice like yoga, structured relaxation, or intentional breathing to help you get control over your breathing (which is how one sings after all), and help manage nervousness. [Reference]

DO NOT CLEAR YOUR THROAT

CLEARING YOUR THROAT

DO NOT CLEAR YOUR THROAT, especially when you are hoarse. It feels rewarding in the moment, but you are only further straining your vocal cords. I know it sounds tricky, but it can be done. I have not cleared my throat since about 2003, and getting rid of this practice has made a huge difference in my voice. Try anticipating the urge and swallowing instead. It takes conscious and consistent effort to kill this habit, but if you're serious about your voice, you need to do it. [Reference]

CONCLUSION

When it comes to singing, the road of bad habits is easy to find, and even easier to stay on once you've found it. Your bandmembers and your significant other will rag on you when they hear you doing your vocal exercises... they'll tell you to just down a couple shots of any given alcohol before you go on stage, or to soldier through the pain in your throat at practice. The soundguy will tell you that the monitors don't go any louder, or that you don't need to use a mic that's better suited for your voice. The drummer will say he can't play any softer.

The much harder path to walk is to treat your throat and your body like the most expensive and fragile instrument you will ever own, and to take proper care of it... to change what you eat and drink, how and when you talk, maybe even how you breathe, and how you perform.

One road leads to more fun, a potentially short career, and a lot of costly consequences. The other heads toward better stamina and pitch, and a lower risk of injury, but requires a huge commitment and is usually very tedious. It's not always easy to choose which one to take.

Be More Social

If you can find it in your heart to share, link, or quote anything from this article that you found useful, I'd be very grateful. Also be sure to reach out to me via the comment system or email. All the best.

REFERENCES

Don't take my word for it. Here's some further reading on the subject of vocal technique, care, training, and pathology:

• http://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/voice/pages/takingcare.aspx
• http://www.singingforaliving.com/articles/pro-secrets/
• http://www.tcg.org/publications/at/jan10/healthy.cfm
• http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1129&dat=19970902&id=it8NAAAAIBAJ&sjid=MW8DAAAAIBAJ&pg=6699,471536
• http://www.clevelandleader.com/node/17725
• http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/6408165/Dame-Julie-Andrews-to-have-revolutionary-operation-on-vocal-cords.html
• http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/life/music/news/story/2012-03-15/singers-with-throat-problems-adele-john-mayer-celine-dion/53656048/1
• http://www.uu.edu/dept/music/library/safety/VocalHealthInformation.pdf
• http://uthscsa.edu/oto/voice.asp
• http://www.nyee.edu/cfv-professions.html
• http://arizona.openrepository.com/arizona/bitstream/10150/290591/1/azu_td_3023509_sip1_m.pdf
• http://www.berklee.edu/bt/123/winter.html

How to Play Nice with Other Bands: 10 Tips

If you play music in public with any regularity, especially on a local or regional level, you will quickly become part of a community. As you play more shows, or attend other artists' shows, you'll meet other musicians, sound guys, groupies, club owners, managers, etc., and you'll be surprised to discover that they also know so-and-so, and what's-his-name.

A lot of the musical successes you experience will be as a result of help you get from these people. Maybe a band you met 6 months ago has to bail on a gig and asks you to fill in for them, and you end up selling tons of merch. On top of that, the club owner books you for a future date because she likes your sound. Or maybe a solo artist heard your band at an open mic, and asks you to play drums on his upcoming album.

Because music scenes are so small and so social, it's a good idea to try not to piss off other people in the community. I know this only because I have pissed off or have been pissed off by many people in my musical experience. Learn from my mistakes...

1) DON'T GO OVER YOUR SET TIME

For me at least, this is harder than it should be. Time your set during a rehearsal. Make sure you have easy access to some sort of timepiece when you're on stage. Write approximate song lengths on your setlist so that you can quickly shuffle things around if needed.

My band once played a show where we accidentally went over time because a mic crapped out mid-set and the soundguy had to scurry around to find a replacement. When we got off stage, the show-runner was clearly pissed, and told my bandmate that he "didn't think we were THAT kind of band." We didn't get asked to play with those guys again.

Artists take their sets seriously - they spend a lot of time preparing for them, and expend a lot of energy trying to get people to show up. Treat that time like it's money, and don't steal from other bands.

2) DON'T LEAVE BEFORE (OR DURING) THE OTHER BAND'S SET

You just got done playing your set, and there's 2 other bands playing after you. If you're tempted to just load up your gear and go, try and remember that those bands probably had to sit through your set, and it's nice to return the favor by being part of their audience, especially if the show has low attendance.

Even if you aren't into the other band's music, try your best to look like you're enjoying yourself. It'll make the other band feel better, and make the set go that much more smoothly. No artist wants to look out from the stage and see crowd members, let alone musicians, crossing their arms and scowling.

If you end up playing with that band again, the performance order might be switched and it could be them who's packing up their gear and heading for the exit while you're playing. However, if you stay for them this time, they might stay for you next time.

Even worse than leaving before someone's set is leaving DURING their set.

Even worse than leaving before someone else's set is leaving DURING their set. Watching people leave while you're playing music is a big confidence killer. You don't like it when it happens to you, so try your best to avoid doing it to someone else. If you HAVE to leave early, make sure you apologize to the band before they start, and make it up to them by coming out to another show in the future.

3) DON'T BE A DISTRACTION DURING SOMEONE ELSE'S SET

My band played a festival a little while ago. The stage area was under a small tent, which we shared with the sound guy. We were in the middle of our first set when the next band (let's say they're called the "Delaney Family" - not their real name) arrived. They pulled up a couple of folding chairs next to the sound guy, and started a conversation with him. They continued to converse throughout the remainder of both sets. I could hear a good deal of their chat. Some of their discussion could probably be heard in the mic.

I'm sure the other band didn't mean to be distracting, and it certainly isn't the worst thing they could have done, but my clinically-diagnosed case of Adult ADHD means that I was processing their conversation while trying to remember lyrics, chords, and stops, etc. Aside from that, the fact that they were talking to the sound guy means that he wasn't paying attention to... the sound. All in all, it's kind of rude, and it's easily avoidable. Be considerate, and take the conversation somewhere away from the stage.

4) GIVE THE OTHER GUYS TIME TO BREAK DOWN/SET UP

Back to that festival I mentioned. The "Delaney Family" was very excited to play their set after we were finished. I know this because I had barely gotten the words "thank you everyone" into the mic before the "Family" members were on the stage adjusting mics, pulling guitars out of their cases, and flipping through sheet music. My band had to work around them to get our gear packed up.

Wait for the other guys to clear their gear before you hit the stage, and clear your gear as quickly as possible.

There was plenty of time in between sets to allow us to pack up, and to allow the Delaneys to get ready to start. There was no reason to clutter up the stage area and get in each other's way. Unless you get specific instructions from the show-runner to set up while someone else is tearing down, wait until the other guys are fully clear of the stage and all of their gear is packed up.

On the other side of things, make sure you get off the stage as quickly as possible to give the next band the most time to set up and troubleshoot any issues. Don't go running into the crowd to hit on that chick at the bar until everyone in your band has cleared their gear off of the stage.

5) OFFER TO HELP THEM LOAD IN/OUT

This should be common sense as far as human decency goes. If you see someone carrying a lot of gear, or if it's heavy gear, help them. Just don't drop any of their stuff. If you're a musician, you know how back-breaking some gear can be, so help a brother/sister out when you can. At the very least, open doors for them as they carry their stuff. But if you do drop something, run.

6) MENTION THE OTHER BAND TO THE AUDIENCE AND DON'T F%@& UP THEIR NAME

This seems to be common knowledge, but just in case it's not... At some point during your set, chat up the other band(s). You just HAVE to make sure to get their name right. Even if you shout to the band from the mic to get their name right (I've done this many times), you're basically just doing the other band the favor of repeating their name in a positive light to the audience, subconsciously reinforcing the idea that, "hey those guys are cool, and everyone likes them, and you should buy their stuff."

You're also endearing yourself to the other band, which could work in your favor in the future. What musician doesn't like hearing someone say how good they were? You're ALSO creating a shared experience with the audience - "hey, remember when we all heard those guys play? That was awesome right?" It's a small way to build a connection with the crowd.

7) DON'T TALK SMACK ABOUT OTHERS

Talking negatively about someone else makes YOU look like a jerk, especially if you're talking about them when they're not in your presence. Music communities tend to be somewhat small, so word travels fast, and if you become known as a behind-the-back-talker-guy, you will damage relationships, which could end up costing you, even if you aren't aware of it.

As an example, even if you couldn't stand the other band's music, trust me, it's best to be diplomatic and pretend that you did. Believe it or not, the world isn't waiting on your opinion... you can keep it to yourself. You want to be viewed as a Pro by the other people in the music community, and Pro's don't talk smack.

8) DON'T MESS WITH THEIR GEAR

The only time you should ever use someone else's gear is if you have express (preferably written) permission in advance of the show. You need to give the gear lender time to decide if he actually wants to lend without the pressure of you standing in front of him, eagerly awaiting his answer.

On a couple of occasions, show-runners have told me that they already talked to the other band, and the band said it was okay to use their stuff. That doesn't count as permission. Make DIRECT contact with the gear owner and get express permission. You never know what details could have been lost, misunderstood, or forgotten in the communication between the show-runner and the other band. If you show up to the gig and the band is either not cool with you sharing their stuff, or they have to leave before your set, then what are you going to do?

If you're sharing gear, you're placing a lot of trust in a stranger.

If you're sharing gear, you're placing a lot of trust in people you may not know very well. What if they forget the gear? What if they get sick and have to bail out of the show just before you go on?

If you do end up sharing gear with another band, try not to change any of their settings. However, if you absolutely HAVE TO mess with their settings (after getting the owner's permission), take a picture of the setup before you touch anything so that you can get it back to where it was after you're done with it.

9) TRADE ALBUMS

Pressed albums can serve as one form of business card. Exchange them with the other bands, or if you don't have your own, seriously consider buying the other guy's. It will earn you some good will. Take the album home, listen to it, and try to find something you like about it, even if you aren't really into it. Reach out to the other band and let them know what you liked. It's an easy excuse to stay in contact.

10) STAY IN CONTACT

Find out where the band is active online, whether it's Facebook, Twitter, their website, or whatever site the kids use these days. Reach out as soon as you're able, and keep in touch. Comment on their songs. Check out their show schedule, and go to their shows. Stay on their radar, and they may ask you to do a show with them in the future. Your presence on their social media could also earn you some new fans.

DON'T BE A JERK

The takeaway from all of this is: being a good musician isn't just about playing an instrument well. It's also about being easy to work with. People who are easy to work with get more work. Jerks get ignored. Even if there are no clear benefits to you, being a friendly, supportive musician to other musicians makes a better music community, and I think we all want that.

5 Questions You Should Ask Every Potential Band Member

When you're auditioning a new musician for your band, it's easy to get focused on getting to know the musician, and as a result, forget to check in on some details that could jeopardize your band further down the road.

Or, because you're so excited about the artistic potential of this person, you might make some dangerous assumptions. For example, you might assume that someone who is auditioning for a band has their own gear, or is prepared to play the songs you asked them to work on.

Musicians are people, and therefore have very different ideas about what is acceptable behavior when it comes to being in a band. With that in mind, I'd like to provide you with some questions to ask anyone who is auditioning for your band to see if she/he really is on the same page.

1) Can they play all the songs without crib sheets?

I can't tell you how many times I've had a band member promise me, no seriously, PROMISE me, that they'd learn the songs by the next practice or gig, only to show up to said practice or gig with "just a couple" notes. I once went to a cover band gig where the lead vocalist was paging through a lyrics binder AS he was singing the song. That is just about the opposite of professionalism. I've even had people show up to auditions without having heard the song they'll be playing. They figured they could just wing it.

If you're playing with notes, the song is playing you, instead of the other way around.

If you're playing with notes, the song is playing you, instead of the other way around... you'll always be just a bit behind. There's no way to lock into the feel of a song, tap into the energy of a crowd, or lock in with other musicians if your face is pointed at a music stand. If a band member is still showing up with notes after a few months of playing with you, then it's time to discuss their commitment to the material.

2) Have they practiced their chosen instrument in the last 48 hours?

A guy once auditioned to play bass for my band. Nice guy, punctual, easy to chat with. After a few minutes of getting to know each other, we asked if he was ready to play. He asked to borrow my bass. He said he had a broken one at home, but the neck needed repair, and one of the pickups didn't work. Oh, and it only had 3 strings. Suffice to say, he didn't work out.

If someone is in a band, they need to have their own gear, be able to get it to the show, and know how to use it.

If someone is playing at the band level, they need to:

• have their own equipment. Borrowing gear in a crisis isn't a big deal, but many players get sensitive about other people using their very expensive stuff that they have set just so. Don't assume that you can borrow another band's gear unless you have their express agreement in advance. Don't mess with the settings unless they give you permission.
• be able to get the gear to the show. I played with a good drummer who had a great drumkit. Only problem was, he could only bring his set to shows if he had access to his company's cargo van. Planning a show had to revolve around whether he could get the van or borrow someone else's ride. That's not terribly practical.
• know how to use their gear. You don't want to be fiddling with the signal chain of your guitar player's rig instead of starting your second song while the audience is deciding whether they want to stick around. After all, you can only ask "how you guys doing tonight?!?" so many times before people realize you're stalling. Tones and effects are important, and if you're tweaking that stuff in the middle of a show, then you are unprepared. That's the kind of thing that should be figured out during rehearsal.

Do not assume that a musician has all of those issues sorted before the show. Assumptions are the death of a good gig. ("I thought YOU were bringing the merch!") Ask these questions well in advance of your next show so that you have time to fix any problems.

3) What is a good reason to cancel practice?

Every musician in the world probably has a different answer to this question. You need to know how your band members would answer before you become dependent on them. The only reasons I would typically cancel would be the death of a loved one, or a communicable disease. Otherwise, my ass is at practice. I may be miserable, I may be barely standing, but my ass is there. Is everyone else that committed? Are you?

It doesn't matter how talented someone is, or how great they are to play with, if they never show up to play. Even if THEY can wing a song because they're insanely gifted, YOU may need to know what parts they're playing so you can work with and around them.

4) What are your 5 desert island albums?

Meaning, if you were stuck on a desert island for the rest of your life, and (for some magical reason) you could choose any 5 albums to listen to forever, what would they be? A lot of musicians are floating around out there that just want to play. They don't necessarily care what kind of music they play, or who they play it with. That may work for your band's needs, or it may not. If you're an acoustic Folk band, and you bring in a Funk bassist, you'd better be prepared for your music to experience a stylistic shift.

Some musicians are pro enough that they can and will make the adjustment to your genre without a ton of reinvention. But a lot of musicians are stuck in one style, and as a result, there could be some friction when it comes time to arrange a song. It's better to discuss your styles at the beginning of your relationship and know what you're getting into.

5) What do you expect to get out of the band?

Money? Fame? Sex? Drugs? Creativity? Free booze? Fun? All of the above? There's nothing inherently wrong with any of these motivations. I don't know if every musician has worked this out for themselves... but even if they haven't, it's never too late to start thinking about it.

Why is this important? Someone who is driven by fame, money, sex, or recognition might not be okay with playing in an original band where it's hard to get people out to shows. Whereas someone who is driven by free booze, drugs, and creativity might be totally comfortable playing songs they helped write to empty dive bars while baked or wasted.

Bands by definition are single units comprised of multiple individuals, so if each of those individuals wants to go in different directions, the unit will disintegrate. Things will go much smoother if everyone knows where they're headed.

RIGHT MEMBER AT THE RIGHT TIME

If you are trying to add someone to the band, you want to make sure that you're bringing the right band member in at the right time. Someone who might otherwise be right for the band, but has too much going on in their life could be bad for everyone involved. You have to be able to work with them, and they with you, and they have to have the time, gear, and energy to do it right.

It's much easier to say "no" to someone who wants to join than to fire someone who's co-written songs or paid for the last album.

I'm not suggesting you sit a person down, ask them these questions, write down the answers, and then compare notes with the other band members. You COULD do that, but you'd probably seem a bit odd. However, you should try and work your own versions of the questions into your early conversations to see if there is a match going both ways.

It's very easy to say "thanks but no thanks" to someone who wants to join but isn't tied to the band yet. It's MUCH, MUUUUCH harder to get rid of someone who knows your material, has contributed money to the last recording, and who co-wrote your best songs. Stop and think before you commit.

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Married to the Band (Part II)

Last week, we talked about how band relationships are in some ways similar to romantic relationships. We covered the honeymoon phase of a new band or band member, as well as some of the work you should do on yourself if you want to keep your band healthy. This week, I'd like to discuss a few of the behaviors, personality types, and problems that can damage or end your band relationships.

JERKS

This is a personality type that you've probably encountered more than once if you've met a decent number of musicians. They believe that they're more talented than everyone else. They feel the need to broadcast their high opinion of themselves to anyone they meet. They don't care about other human beings. Jerks stay on stage past their time-slot, talk badly about other musicians, and hit on every woman in the room, whether or not said woman came with someone else, and they do it while the rest of the band is loading in the gear.

No one wants to work with a Jerk

In my experience, Jerks typically ARE very talented, but it's almost like their empathy switch got stuck in the "off" position. Early on in your "relationship," it can be tempting to overlook their behavior because their talent sort of makes up for it. The other benefit is that it sometimes takes a Jerk to motivate lazy people to get off their asses. The only problem is (and it's a big one), no one wants to work with these people for any significant period of time. Anyone I've known who runs their musical career with this kind of attitude is now bandless or has dropped their pursuit of music altogether.

If you're in a situation where you're getting paid for your music, it's a bit easier to overlook Jerkish behavior. But if you're slogging through the lowest levels of the music industrial complex where getting paid gas money is a rare blessing, it's hard to put up with it, and much easier to just walk away and find someone else who knows how to treat other members of the human race.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVES

Finding a balance of being healthily assertive without being aggressive or confrontational is difficult for some people. Some people end up being too aggressive (see the section on "Jerks"), while others under-compensate and turn into spineless weasels who can't stand up for themselves or their needs at all. They're afraid or uncomfortable with how they imagine you'll react to a certain situation, so they disguise their actions and true feelings.

This kind of musician is a little harder to spot than a Jerk, because their behavior typically takes longer to manifest. It's also harder to argue with someone who's smiling at you, and Passive-Aggressives LOVE to smile. They will smile when they first meet you, they will smile when you're asking them why they're a half-hour late for practice every week, and they will add a smiley emoticon when they send out a text saying that they started playing with another band and won't be coming out to the show tonight.

If you have someone like this in your band, I suggest doing some networking and keeping a contact log of musicians who are able to step in at a moment's notice if and when your passive-aggressive bandmate fails to show for a serious gig.

ADDICTS

Older musicians will probably know all about this kind of person. Some of you younger folk, however, will want to pay special attention to this section. An addict is someone who struggles with balance. They have a "passion," let's say it's drinking, drugs, sex, or self-sabotage, and they pursue that passion at the expense of their other responsibilities, like family, education, jobs, or music. You'll know you have an addict in your midst when you realize that they're always apologizing. They're sorry they're late, they're sorry they forgot to learn the new songs, they're sorry they missed the band meeting, they're sorry they ruined the last set.

For whatever reason, addicts are drawn to the arts, so if you haven't run into one yet, you will. They love to express themselves, and because addiction is typically surrounded by drama, they have stories to tell. I'll grant you, many of these stories are going to be hilarious, or fascinating. However, addicts are only funny or interesting in small doses. When they black out in between sets, or when they get a DUI on the way home from the show, and now need you to drive them to practice, it's much harder to find their story about running from the cops as funny as you used to.

It's easy to feel sorry for addicts. There's several of them in my personal life, and I can easily see where that behavior could manifest in myself if I didn't have some people in my life who call me on my BS. I believe we're all one or two steps away from being in their position, so I certainly can't judge them for their behavior. Plus, they've developed great apologizing skills, so it's often hard to say no to them. The problem is, if you always forgive an addict his failings, they will simply use that as an excuse to keep failing, and it can end up costing you or others. The only way to handle them is to cut them out of your life until they're sober, or cut them out permanently. It seems harsh, but if you give them multiple chances, you will find that you just keep giving them more chances.

DEPRESSIVES

Addicts & Depressives are drawn to the arts

This is another personality type that is naturally drawn to the arts. Jon Bon Jovi, Rivers Cuomo, and Ray Charles are just some of the names you'll find on this list of famous persons who identify with this disorder. We depressives have got drama and sadness and other fun stuff churning around in our brains, and it's often therapeutic to get that stuff out of our heads and onto paper or into music. (You'll notice I said "we" in this case. That's because I also fall into this category.) Realistically, we could lump other behavioral or mental health disorders in here as well, as depression is sort of a side effect of many other mood disorders like bipolar disorder, or even addiction.

You might think that the symptoms for depression would be easy to read, that the person will just be mopey or miserable all the time, unable to work up the energy to practice or just be sort of "blah." While it can go that way sometimes, it could also be that they are irritable (they keep snapping at me during practice!), that they can't think straight (they just can't get that song right no matter how many times they go over it!), or they just don't care about the fact that they're putting in zero effort towards music or promotion, etc.

This could be a whole article on its own, but I think the best way to sum it up is this: if you think someone in your world is experiencing depression, whether as the result of a specific event, like a death in the family, or just because they're "down" all the time, the best thing you can do is treat it like a medical condition, because that's exactly what it is. If someone came to you and said, "I think I feel a lump under my armpit," you would tell them to go to a doctor. If someone says, "I just don't feel like playing anymore," or they break out into crying fits, or they're irritable about anything and everything, then you need to tell them to get help. Take it seriously.

OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

Many musicians have unrealistic ideas about how many things they can fit in their life. Your drummer has 3 kids under the age of 7, works 60 hours a week at a blue-collar job, and is also in a steady-gigging cover band? You really think he can give your band the time and attention it needs to be taken seriously? Sometimes, you have to do the thinking for someone. If they swear they can handle their insane schedule, but you have a bad feeling that it's going to be an issue, chances are... it's going to be an issue. Deal with it before it's a problem, not after.

Romantic relationships can also get tricky when it comes to music. It seems like girlfriends in particular are very good at convincing musicians to just skip practice and go out to dinner instead. My SO's have always understood (and appreciated) that the band must be taken seriously. If I'm not puking my guts out, I'm going to practice. I don't care if there's a football game on, I don't care if there's a show I really want to watch, I don't care who's in town this weekend. The band comes first.

SEX

If you have sex with someone in or near the band, you are risking the band itself.

I have one piece of advice for you when it comes to sex and music... don't. Don't sleep with your bandmates. Don't sleep with people your bandmates have slept with. Don't sleep with your bandmates' family members. All of these situations are perfect incubators for feelings of jealousy, anger, betrayal, etc., and none of these things contribute to a healthy band.

Human brains are adept at rationalizing the "need" for sex, so when presented with the opportunity to hop into bed with someone who you wouldn't dare go near in a healthy state of mind, you can very easily find a way to make it happen, especially if you're in a dry spell. No good can come from it. You need to realize that if you sex with someone who is connected to the band, you are risking the band itself. Is that worth it to you?

HOW TO SPLIT UP

When it comes time to separate from a band, or to help someone else leave the band, the same rule applies from your professional life: DO NOT BURN YOUR BRIDGES. It's very tempting to want to tell someone that you've always hated them and that you never want to see their stupid face again. The problem is, you never know when that person will pop back into your life - even if you aren't aware of it.

As an example, I had a guitarist in a band who was late for practice. I texted him to see where he was. He responded that he wasn't going to be playing with us anymore. (He was a Passive-Aggressive.) Strangely, our singer quit a week later. I found out later that the guitar player had convinced the singer to start a new band. That band quickly failed, and this guy ended up joining a friend's band, which meant I ran into him at several shows.

Had I lost my temper with him and gave him my honest opinion about his behavior, those run-ins would have become very awkward. What would I have solved by getting angry with him? Isn't it better to just move forward and find someone to replace him? I pretty much laugh about the situation now that a couple years have passed, so did it really matter in the grander scheme of things? The momentary relief you get from unleashing your anger at someone usually isn't worth the amount of smack-talk he will spread around the very small music community about you and your band.

Letting someone go sucks no matter what.

If you have to let someone go, you need to realize that it's going to suck no matter what. Take a lesson from the film "Moneyball" and just be transparent with the person. Don't dance around the topic because you're uncomfortable. Tell them clearly, honestly, and quickly that you won't be working together anymore, and here are the reasons why. They will freak out, or they will accept it, they will throw a bass, or they will cry in the bathroom - you can't change their reaction, and you aren't responsible for it. It's your job to just deliver the news like a professional, and leave it up to them to decide how they want to deal with it.

Don't apologize when letting someone go. That makes it seem like you're doing something wrong. Don't give them "one more chance." Let your yes be yes and your no be no. If they're fired, that means that you have thought about this long and hard, that you've lost sleep over it, and you have come to this decision with the rest of the band, and it is unanimous, or as close to unanimous as it can be. If you tell someone they're canned, and then you let them back in the band, the same problems that led to the firing will pop back up, and you will just have to go through the unpleasant situation all over again. Being a professional means that you are a clear communicator and that you mean business. So tell them how it is, and let it be.

SUMMARY

Some of the best relationship advice I have ever received was from people who have been divorced. Giving someone advice on what to do in a relationship can only help a person so much, but telling them what NOT to do could save their relationships. I hope I've given you some words of wisdom from someone who's been through a fair number of musical "breakups."

Married to the Band (Part I)

One of the most challenging aspects of being a musician is dealing with other musicians. Musicians are people, and as such, they have temperaments, they have issues, they have personal and professional lives outside of your band. Musicians are also artists, which means they can be moody, jealous, sensitive, and they can sleep with your girlfriend.

Being in a band is a different dynamic than working with someone at a 9-to-5 job. In working with my own bands, and in talking with other musicians about their experiences, I have noticed one concept come up over and over: being in a band is like being in a marriage.

That's a decent metaphor, but it's not perfect. If you have more than 2 people in your band, it's really more like a polygamous marriage, and is therefore that much harder on everyone involved. Also, it's a lot easier to break up a band than a marriage, so it's really more like an open polyamorous relationship. But, for the purposes of this article, we'll stick with "marriage."

This is a big topic, so I'm going to break it up into two parts. Part I has to do with the beginning of the relationship (the honeymoon phase), and how to be prepared for when the honeymoon has ended. Part II will deal with ending the relationship.

HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD

Someone has to be head of the household. I know it sounds kind of corny, and many of you will think that a band should be a democracy. Go ahead and try it if you like, but I'm telling you from experience, it doesn't work. Writing, rehearsals, shows, accounting, and all the behind-the-scenes work that needs to happen has to be spearheaded by someone, otherwise, like a group homework assignment, nothing gets done, or it all gets done by one person, which leads to burn out.

Being the head of the "household" does not mean you do everything. It means you make sure everything is done. Don't get me wrong, many issues can be decided democratically, and the leader should step back when that's the case, but when there's a tie, someone needs to be able to break it.

This person will usually make themselves known as the leader without the need for an election, but in cases where you have multiple type-A personalities, the band may need to agree on who this should be in advance. Being the leader of a band is a wholly separate topic, so for the moment, let's just assume that someone in the band has already accepted this role.

WHO DO YOU WANT TO MARRY?

When you're putting a band together, or when you're auditioning a new band member, you want to constantly remind yourself that you are going to spend an uncomfortable amount of time with this person in potentially uncomfortable situations. During auditions, we tend to focus on the person's performance: can they play, can they sing, do they have presence? That stuff is important, certainly, but there's other softer skills to consider.

You may end up spending long hours in an un-air-conditioned rehearsal space or vehicle together. You could end up arguing over credits or royalties with this person. You could be sharing a skanky motel room with them, and going on tour with them for months at a time. How does he react when stressed? How do they deal with conflict? There's lots of talented musicians in the world who I would love to share a stage with, but that doesn't mean I want to share a room with them at a Super 8.

Ask them about their personal life. Does he talk about how everyone around him is a dick, or how every other band he's been in has screwed him over? Those are giant red flags. I don't care how well he plays, this person is trouble. Does she get real sketchy or quiet when you ask about her other musical experiences? "I don't know, I just didn't like playing with those guys anymore." That's a yellow flag. Probe deeper.

I had a bass player show up to one audition, and he could play pretty well. But, after we played a couple songs, the band got to talking, and this guy sat in a corner and kept noodling on his bass. He never joined the conversation. In fact, he actually played right over our conversation. We stepped outside. He stayed inside. He didn't call back after the audition, and I'm glad.

I would love to share a stage with many musicians. But, that doesn't mean I want to share a Super 8 motel room with them.

I've worked with many people who were very talented, but they couldn't show up on time, if they showed up at all. I've worked with others who could play well on their own, but couldn't find a fit with the band. It's got to work on most if not all levels. Musicianship alone is not enough. Ask them questions. Have they ever had to bail on a practice or a show? How did they handle it? What else do they have going on in their lives? How often do they practice? What other skills can they bring to the band?

THE HONEYMOON PHASE

In the early stages of a band relationship, there's a honeymoon phase just like when you meet a potential mate. The person may wow you with their impressive chops. They may be all sunshine and smiles, they can't wait to work with you, they love your sound. You think, "oh wow, he's such a great guy!" even though you don't really know him at all. That's brain chemicals screwing with your thoughts my friend.

Your brain likes new experiences, so it may cause you to gloss over the fact that this person casually mentioned that they really aren't into any of the same musical influences as you, but they "really want to play," or that they haven't picked up their drumsticks in 3 months, or that they "occasionally" smoke "a little" weed even though they're wearing a 10-year-old ratty Phish t-shirt, they stink like Pepe Le Peu, and their eyes are beet red. That may work for you, that may not, but either way just try your best to slow down and keep your eyes open.

I would recommend never making a decision about bringing someone in the band upon first meeting. Have at least two rehearsals with them before you make any calls about whether they fit. Talk to the other band members at length about their perceptions of this person's talents and their attitude. Do this AWAY from the potential band member. You can't be objective about someone's flaws with the person sitting in the room staring at you. Ask your bandmates for any red flags that they may have noticed. Maybe this potential mate will work for you, but they rubbed the guitarist the wrong way. Everyone has to be able to sync with this person.

After the honeymoon has ended, there's some serious work to be done. You need to develop practical skills to help you negotiate conflicts, communicate clearly, and maintain forward momentum. You do that through awareness, which means getting to know your mates, and getting to know yourself.

KNOW THYSELVES

I highly recommend taking a personality assessment like MBTI. Get to know yourself really, REALLY well. Watch videos on personal growth and self-awareness. Read How to Win Friends & Influence People. Learn what kind of things piss you off, and what kind of things you need to get from a relationship or experience.

See if your band members will complete one of those personality assessments. There's lots of articles and videos on how two different personality types best work together. I work as a manager in my day job, and my company requires these things. It's very useful to know the differences in people's personalities, what gives them energy, what drains it, whether they're introverted or extroverted, etc. There were a lot of insights for me in completing that assessment and reading those that my team completed.

See what your bandmates are like when they put down their instruments.

A few years ago, I took my band to a team-building session with therapists who used horses as part of their trainings. It was a weird thing to ask of my bandmates, but we learned some very interesting things about our band dynamic that helped us out down the road. The point is to get out of the rehearsal space and get to know your band as individuals, and how they work as a group. Go rock climbing together, go kayaking, go out to dinner with everyone's significant others. See what people are like when they put down their instruments.

You have to be intentional about this work. It takes time and energy. It's easy to be lazy and let it go, and just hope the band gels. But, in order for a band to really work, everyone needs to invest themselves. If someone isn't clicking, you need to determine if you can find a new working dynamic, or if it's time to part ways. We'll talk about that in the next post.

DON'T AIR OUT YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY IN PUBLIC

Disagreements in the band need to stay in the band. I've had a couple instances where my band got into arguments in public, with our girlfriends and wives standing around, or (and I can't believe I'm typing this), on stage. That should never EVER happen. It's unprofessional and childish. We had to have long talks afterward to work out the actual issues, but also to establish ground rules about when, where, and how arguments happen. There is a proper way to argue, believe it or not. Here's some things I've learned:

• Establish an appropriate time and space for arguments. That sounds a bit cheesy. It's okay to argue in a private rehearsal studio. It's not okay to argue before, during, or after a show. Arguing in a car is a good way to get into an accident. It's also unwise to argue while drinking or participating in any other mood-altering activities.
• Official band members only. Significant Others cannot be involved. If you're not in the band, you don't have input, and you don't have a vote. Period. They're almost always going to side with their mate, and will therefore skew the argument.
• Limit the disagreements to the actual issues. Don't let the arguments slip into personal attacks. That's a pretty hard skill to master. I know this about myself: I like to win. Quite often that means I will use an opportunity to play dirty if it presents itself. I have to try very hard to stop myself if I notice that I'm attacking the person, instead of moving toward a resolution. I also have to be sensitive to feedback from my bandmates if they notice that behavior in me. It's up to the leader to keep everyone calm, and to keep the conversation on point.
• The past stays in the past. We're not talking about an issue from 3 years ago. We're talking about today's issue. The past is over. It can't be dealt with beyond an apology. Focus on the present, and how the problem will be handled in the future.
• Never talk over someone else. Listen first. Do your best to understand the other person. Paraphrase back to them what you heard to make sure you understand it correctly, and to let them know you heard them. Everyone's opinions are valid, and must be treated that way. Preventing someone from being heard will make them feel unwelcome and isolated, and they will eventually unleash a rage volcano at the worst time, like just before a show.
• Solutions are important. The band leader needs to give everyone a chance to be heard, but, at some point, the discussion has to end, and a resolution has to be reached. It's ideal if everyone can buy into the decision - a good leader can find ways to compromise so that everyone's needs are met, but whether or not that's possible, at some point, a decision MUST be reached, and everyone must move forward.
• When in doubt, air it out. Don't let a problem fester. Very small disagreements will grow to become big disagreements if the person constantly replays the problem over and over in their mind without getting resolution. Misunderstandings can often be cleared up very easily as long as it is done quickly. Be clear, be kind, and be sure to represent your needs and wants, while also factoring in the needs of the band.

MARRIAGE IS APOLOGIES AND FORGIVENESS

One of the most important skills, if not the MOST important skill in marriage and band-ing, is apologizing, and the flip side of it: forgiving when someone else apologizes. This is hard for many people, and impossible for others. For some reason, we are wired to believe that we are right about everything, all the time. As part of your journey toward self-awareness, you need to realize that you are a dumbass sometimes. You will be the reason that a song or a performance bombed. You will accidentally erase the band's website. You will get so drunk you fall off of your drum throne in the middle of a chorus. But don't worry, you're not alone. Everyone gets their turn to do something stupid, perhaps colossally stupid, at some point.

When you screw up, admit it quickly and take your hits.

When this happens, address it as quickly as possible, and take your hits. Hits hurt worse when there is time to anticipate them. Don't give them any time to breathe... just get the confession over with, so you don't lose sleep or hair. Try to help everyone reach a point of genuine understanding about the situation. (Have I used that word enough? It's critical to a good relationship.) Admit the problem to everyone who needs to know, come up with a way to make it right, and apologize. If you're honest and sincere, you're more likely to be able to fix it, and your mates will be more likely to respect you for your transparency.

When someone else screws up, remind yourself that it's just that person's turn. You've had your turn, and if you haven't yet, you most certainly will sometime in the future. How do you want to be dealt with when your turn comes?

ONGOING RELATIONSHIPS

Look for Part II next week, when I will stretch this metaphor even further by talking about abusive relationships, divorce, and remarriage.

LET'S CHAT

If you would like to contribute to this conversation, shoot me an email. I would also appreciate it if you could share with others.

Follow-up to Building Your Song

THANKS

I had a plan for what I wanted to post this week, but I am going to put that aside for the moment and address some issues raised by last week's post, which, thanks in large part to some Redditors over at /r/WeAreTheMusicMakers and /r/Guitar, EXPLODED. I deeply appreciate anyone who read the post, let alone commented, cross-posted, retweeted, or otherwise shared it. I can't tell you how great it feels to know that someone was able to benefit from my experiences. Thank you.

Because I'm responding to some of the topics from last week, what follows may not be the most structured post. Apologies.

GENRE

I should have specifically mentioned in the article, and perhaps on the Work the MIC website in general, that the things I have to say about music are aimed at musicians who are interested in writing songs for the "mainstream." By that I mean "commercially viable" Rock, Alternative, Indie, Singer-Songwriter, Country, Pop, Folk, Metal, and even Rap, that kind of thing. So, some of the things I said and will say about structure, checklists, and hooks will not apply if you're doing, say, house music, improvisational Reggae, or experimental Acid-Rock.

VERSE/CHORUS

Some people complained about the "tired" verse/chorus structure. Look, every song has parts. Call them "A," "B," and "C," or "verse/prechorus/chorus/bridge," the names don't matter. The point is that you do not want to play one note or repeat the same 4 bars over and over for 3-4 minutes. People like change in their music, but not too much change.

You shouldn't feel limited by this structure. Remember that the Wright Brothers' Flyer and the Space Shuttle both have an engine, wings, and landing gear, but one traveled a few feet, and the other makes regular milk runs to space. There's lots of room to play within the verse/chorus structure. It's been around for a LONG time, and it's not likely to go anywhere anytime soon. I didn't make these guidelines, I just study and practice them.

A couple of commenters complained that "so and so" famous artist put out hit songs that didn't observe the traditional structure. My response to that is that:

A) In almost all of these cases, and certainly in the examples mentioned, the artist was already famous, or at least had an audience. When you are comfortable with the size of your audience, you can write whatever you want.

B) These examples are so few as to be irrelevant to this conversation. As with any art form, learn the rules before you break them.

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL

Quantity breeds quality.

Some people resonated with my method of brainstorming multiple songs in a single session, while others thought it was ridiculous. Someone even said, "that's a good way to write crap." You can write as little or as much as you want, but my point is this: don't get emotionally attached to your work, especially too early on. If you've seen any behind-the-scenes documentary about a band going into the studio, you will invariably see that they went in with something like 14, 16, or 20 songs, and came out with 10. That's just the way it works - quantity breeds quality.

Imagine that a major record label down in Nashville hires you to be an in-house songwriter/producer. They're bringing in their latest Pop starlet for a writing session tomorrow at 2pm, and they want you to bring your best ideas to pitch to her and her team for a new single. You will be 1 of 4 other writers in the room all vying to get that 1 track recorded. Are you only going to show up to that meeting with 1 song idea? If the starlet rejects your idea, then what? Are you going to scream "but I worked really hard on it!" then stomp out of the room, go hide in a closet, and quietly sob? OR, are you going to say "no problem, here's my next idea. What do you think?"

I treat my band writing sessions as if they were that kind of record-label pitch meeting. I show up with 2 or 3 ideas that I've put some decent time into. If 1 is rejected, or needs work, we have other things to try out. We have our eggs in many different baskets. (Don't get me wrong, I still cry in a closet if my ideas are rejected.) If the song goes in a different direction than I imagined, then so be it. There's no harm in trying something new. We can always circle back to the original idea if it doesn't work out.

ARE WE ARTISTS OR ARTISANS?

To be a good songwriter, you have to put some blood on your guitar strings.

Judging from a few of the comment threads I saw, some people seem to think the song should just fall out of your brain fully-formed and ready to be turned into a gold record, as if anyone can write a great song anytime they wish. I disagree. Real songwriting is craft. It is hard work. It is learning, trying, failing, and trying again. It is taking a huge slab of marble, and hammering and chiseling away for days and weeks to reveal the beautiful statue hidden inside.

You have to have vision, inspiration, and skill, but more importantly, you have to have persistence. You aren't going to pick up a notepad and a guitar for the first time and wow the pants off of everyone within range of your voice. If you want to write, you have to put some blood on your paper and your guitar strings.

If you do this right, you will get tired of it. You will get frustrated. You will get so angry that you'll want to push a piano off of a rooftop. When that time comes, I suggest taking a short break. If you're not drained as a result of the work you put into your music, then you're not putting enough work into your music. If you get up on stage and play something you just threw together, it will show. If you don't believe me, ask Ernest Hemingway, who said, "the first draft of anything is shit."

Rodin worked on "The Gates of Hell" for 37 years. Does that inspire you, or tire you?

I recently went to the Rodin museum in Philadelphia. Rodin is famous for his statue "The Thinker," which I discovered was actually part of Rodin's larger masterpiece, called "The Gates of Hell." It's a set of doors that includes several scenes from Dante's "Inferno," and is an unbelievably impressive piece of art. I was stunned to learn that Rodin worked on this single piece for THIRTY-SEVEN YEARS. Does that inspire you, or do you just feel tired thinking about that? Tell me again, how much time have you put into your songs?

LEAVE THEM WANTING MORE

In an ideal situation, there would be a song-editor to keep every songwriter in check. Authors, journalists, and filmmakers have editors. Why don't we? We do have Producers, but those of you who are recording at home don't typically have access to them, and even if you do, they usually don't come along until very late in the process.

In the mean time then, someone has to take the raw materials created by the original artist and find a way to translate it into a clear and cohesive story, told in the most entertaining way possible. Unless you have a Producer, we have to come up with other methods to trim the fat, which is why I suggested getting feedback from songwriting circles, pros, and friends, etc. in last week's article.

Broad-appeal songwriting is sort of like writing for Twitter in that you are forced to be as lean as possible. You can still say a lot with 140 characters, and the same goes for a 3-minute Rock song. But, you have to cut ALL the fat. When it comes to trimming, my co-writer likes to remind me of a tip he heard from [a famous musician whose name escapes me now]: "Take your finished song, and chop out every other line. Does it still make sense afterward?"

Do you really need a 1:45 intro? Do you absolutely have to have a 1:30 solo that just repeats the same part over and over? Always leave the audience wanting more. Give them an action-packed trailer instead of the movie, the deleted scenes, the cast interviews, and behind-the-scenes documentaries. I just went to see a Rock show last week, and the band (who are fairly well-known) spent a large portion of almost EVERY song just repeating the same 2-bar instrumental part over and over while the singer traipsed around the stage. That's not jamming... that's padding your set.

SUMMARY or, for Redditors: TL;DR

If you want to be an effective songwriter, you have to put in serious time and practice. You will not improve as a songwriter with a Playstation controller in your hand. You have to learn how to cut the fat, and more often than not, you gotta cut deep. Get someone to give you good feedback on what they think could be cut. Don't take cuts personally. As many famous authors have said, you have to "kill your darlings."