Your Mom Loves Your Music... Should You Give a Flying Crap?

Last week, we talked about getting feedback on your songs from a professional. Now, let's talk about getting feedback from "unprofessionals"... your family and friends.

There's an understandable tendency (particularly among younger/newer musicians) to want to go to those closest to you and ask them what they think of your music. I think that's a dangerous proposition, after all...

...WHAT THE HELL DOES YOUR MOM KNOW ABOUT MUSIC?

I don't know what music your parents listen to. Maybe they have great taste in music, or... maybe they're like many people over a certain age who get stuck in musical ruts and can't stand any of this "new-fangled dance shenanigans the kids are listening to these days." That kind of sentiment isn't limited to parents who grew up in a certain decade.

They all feel like that, no matter what their kids listen to. My grandmother was a rebel for listening to Swing. My parents were rebels for listening to Elvis. I was a rebel for listening to Nirvana. Parents these days are freaking out about Miley Cyrus or whoever. This dynamic isn't likely to change anytime soon. Don't believe me? Here's the science to prove it: How Our Taste in Music Changes Over a Lifetime

When I was starting out as a musician, my parents were listening to a classical music "best of" compilation albums, church hymns, and African children's choirs. So, their musical framework wasn't particularly helpful in guiding my attempts to merge the Gin Blossoms, Alison Krauss, and Ryan Adams. Their response to my music was, "why can't you sing about something happy?" ...even if the song was about something happy.

...GOOD TASTE DOESN'T EQUAL HELPFUL ADVICE

But hey, maybe the music gods bestowed you with cool parents (or brothers, sisters, friends, etc.) who listen to new stuff all the time. They know who's been rolled off the Disney, American Idol, Nashville, or X-Factor conveyor belt this week, or they listen to the "new" station on Pandora or Spotify. Maybe they keep a close eye on musical blogs and new release Tuesday.

Does that mean they can articulate differences in song structures? Can they express their feelings regarding a particular melodic choice, a mix, or an instrumental tone? Do they know what a rhythmic pocket is? ...How to chop frequencies to seat a voice in a crowded mix? ...About intros, outros, channels, and bridges?

I know lots of people who have GREAT taste in music. They put me to shame with their awareness of who's hot or a has-been, and can tell me who's going to explode this time next year. Some of these people are even hobbyist musicians. However, that doesn't mean they can articulate what they like or don't like, about what's working or isn't in a given song.

It's been my experience that they often interpret my songs in terms of what they know: "It sounds like ______ artist combined with ______ artist. I like it!" or "I don't know, I'm not feeling it... it's a little ...I don't know..." This kind of information is not particularly helpful.

On occasion, I've noticed that because these people have really strong preferences for what they like and don't like, they might (unknowingly) try to skew me in a strange direction. "Have you listened to ______ dance pop band? It might help you make your songs more dance-able." All fine and good... if you want to make dance songs. Not so much if you're an acoustic singer-songwriter.

...EMOTIONS CAN BLIND THE SMARTEST PEOPLE

Your cousin may be a plaid-shirted, bowtie-wearing ultra-hipster who has a diverse library of music, and is on top of every new release. They may be able to perfectly articulate their feelings on A A B C A structures as opposed to A B A B C B. However, they may look at you, their precious little cousin clutching her sweet little guitar, her puppy dog eyes as wide as they can be, head bursting with dreams of stardom, and they may not be able to find that delicate balance of objectivity and frankness. They may say, "hey that sounds really good" and send you on your way so they can protect their poor widdle cousin's feelings.

Or maybe your cousin is really good at giving concise, honest, informed, objective feedback. But maybe when they do, YOU remember how they used to throw rocks at your head when you were little, and you begin to let that experience color their advice. "I think you need to separate the chorus from the bridge," they tell you. "And try bringing the tempo down by 2 or 3 bpm to let the melody feel more natural." Great advice. But to you, these are just more rocks flying at your head. And the next thing you know, you're seeing red, and getting carted off to jail for assaulting your cousin with the shards of a shattered Takamine.

SO NOW WHAT?

If you want feedback on your songs, try to find someone who doesn't have a stake in your personal life. Like, seriously, none. They don't know you, they don't date your sister. They don't mow your lawn. Someone who has good taste. Someone who can be clear and honest, and won't protect your feelings. Someone who knows something about how to play and write music, not just listen to it. Someone who knows your style, and what you're going for. If at all possible, it would be nice if these people play or have played music for people, and people like it.

You're not the first musician in your genre... these people are out there. Look on forums, go to open mics, go to smaller shows and introduce yourself to the band, talk to your musician friends who might know people higher up the music food chain. When you take their advice, put it through your filter. Only you can decide if their advice is worth taking.

Stop and think before you play your songs for your family and friends.

DON'T FORGET THE BIG PICTURE

Each step of your musical career, no matter how insignificant, warrants thought and preparation. Stop and think before you play your songs for your family and friends. If and when they give you feedback, consider if you want to take it at face value.

Beyond that, think about ways you can get good, clean feedback from someone who knows what they're talking about. Plan your route, watch your steps, and keep an eye on your surroundings. It's a difficult balance, and there's plenty of musicians who can do one of those things, but not the others. The good ones do all three.

THE WORLD NEEDS YOU. I NEED YOU.

If you could take 5 seconds to share this article with other musicians and artists, I would appreciate it. Thank you for your time!

Feedback from the Pros Ain't Always Pro Feedback

I GET GIDDY

A few of the most exciting experiences I've had in my musical life involved getting my songs into the eyes and ears of some pretty famous musicians/industry people. When I say "exciting," I mean that these moments are the closest I've ever come to being downright giddy. Keep in mind that "giddy" is not a word that I, or anyone who knows me, would use to describe my highly-introverted personality, so understand that this giddiness is a big deal.

These were hands shaking, voice cracking, sweaty pits-type moments. I'm across from this person, this legend/hero, and they're about to tell me what they think about MY SONG. In each case, my thoughts were relentlessly going back and forth between "What if they like it?" and "Oh my god, what if they hate it?!" "But what if they LIKE it?"

These situations are distant relatives to those times when you play your song for a significant other, family member, or friend, except that instead of hearing "are these lyrics about ME?!" or "why can't you write something happy?" these famous people, no... these STARS, with their connections, knowledge, and experience could give you that one comment or criticism that changes EVERYTHING.

LET ME DOWN EASY... OR, YOU KNOW, DON'T

If you're a fan of sports metaphors, (and who isn't?!) then this is the turning point when the kid who's never played foosball in his life gets pulled into the game with 2 seconds on the clock to throw the grand slam that will determine if the team makes the semi-regional-quarterfinal-bowl. The crowd is hushed. The clock starts ticking. The kid takes a deep breath, and swings the ball, and against all odds SCORES the wicket or whatever, and then the crowd... quietly gathers their belongings and heads for the nearest exit at a reasonable and orderly pace.

There was no 'oh my god' eureka experience.

That's what it was like for me anyway. There was no "oh my god, this is pure gold!" eureka-type experience. Nor was there a "get out of here, kid, you're a hack" public shaming. In almost every case, it was more like a "yup." For example, the moment I was most excited about was when I got a response from a member of one of the bands that inspired me to become a musician. He had heard approximately ten demos of mine. His feedback? Something akin to:

"Good structure. Good songs."
"Anything we should change?" I asked.
"Nope. Good stuff."

That's it. Wait, seriously? That's it?! The hard work, time, money, and sacrifice of writing and re-writing 10 songs got me 4-5 non-committal words from a personal hero. Of course, that's just one experience, right? Nope. There were others. I hired a well-known and respected producer to work with another batch of songs. I paid him a lot of money. He heard 12 demos. His response? Pretty similar to the above. Actually, all four of the situations I have in mind went almost the exact same way. Coincidence? Not likely.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

It's my theory that these responses are not the ones that these people WANTED to give, but rather the ones they have trained themselves to give after going through what must be hundreds of situations in which someone handed them a demo and asked if they would check it out. (For reference, see the interaction between Jonah Hill and Russell Brand in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall.")

In each case, the famous person must know that the demo-hander is hoping that any or all of their songs will cause the famous person to uncontrollably shout, "oh my god, we've discovered the next big thing" and then ask them to hop on back of their gold-plated rocket to fortune and fame.

Music is personal. You tie emotions into it, even if it's something you didn't write. I can't listen to a song from my high school days without cradling a yearbook and sobbing a river of tears onto the glossy pages filled with "have a nice summer" messages and awkwardly-posed photographs.

When someone writes a song, they might as well be pouring their soul onto a piece of paper. So, if someone tells a writer, "the chorus needs work" you're pretty much saying to that person "your soul is hollow, you should burn your guitar, and you have no reason for living."

I've been a feedback-giver in a few situations. Some people take your feedback with some wincing, others say "thanks" but ignore it altogether. Others get angry. Like seriously pissed. Others get hurt. Like, you might be surprised just how hurt.

I believe that true Pros have learned their lesson and walk the safe line of "not bad" because it saves them the pain and hassle of having to watch yet another aspiring musician angrily snatch their CD back, stomp off to the bathroom, and try to drown themselves in the sink.

SO WHAT

The moral of this story is, you have to decide whether you're going to let this feedback impact you, for better or worse. If someone tells you they hate your work, does that mean you should quit? If they tell you they love it, does that mean there's no room for improvement? If they are totally "meh" about your work, what does that mean for you?

It wouldn't hurt to prepare for these situations before they happen, as awkward as that might seem. Think through your response if the person trashes your work, or praises it, or if they say something like "not bad."

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